Catching up is hard to do!

It has been such a long time since I posted to my little blog. I truly miss it. Mainly because I like looking back over the year and seeing what was going on a few months ago. I want to get back with it but I still worry that my time might be too limited. Today I have felt a little down on myself. I feel like there is just not enough time in the day to be the awesome cool Mom, crafter, blogger, beautifully decorated house, social planner, photographer, picture poster, Valentine's day card sender, in shape, healthy perfect person that I seem to see everyone else being and still work a high pressure job all day, get dressed, get make up on etc... I could go on but you probably get the idea. What got me started off on this path today was a blog that I stumbled upon whose owner is a Mom of 3, all of her posts are of her beautiful crafts and cooking that her perfectly dressed clean kids are helping her with in her clean kitchen and all her pictures look like professional photography. I just looked at that and thought "how the hell". I have one little baby and I can barely make it out the door to work everyday and sometimes don't check my e-mail for a week and have 2 months of Kenji's pictures that have never even been taken off the camera!I haven't even started his baby book! I have even lost track of exactly down to the week how old he is. I mean I have a ballpark idea...
Anyway as much as I bitch and moan I am the luckiest woman alive to have Kenji and he is so much fun and such a joy. I know I have to remember to curb this feeling bad about myself thing because I don't ever want him to get that, and I wish I could get rid of it!
Anyway the blog did at least inspire me to try to get back with my modest little blog that I love. Over the next few weeks I am going to try to post some of the highlights from the last few months to catch us up.
So in recent news: Kenji has learned to crawl and has also learned to stand up in his crib! Last weekend he would not go to sleep and was crying so hard he was hyperventilating. I looked in the monitor and he was standing up in his crib about to throw himself over the edge! I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall and slipped and busted my butt on the floor, so I was crying, Kenji was crying, Brian woke up and was in a panic because everyone was hysterical. After that Kenji would not go to sleep and stayed up playing till 3 in the morning then went to sleep and woke up at 6! So we have been having some sleeping challenges lately. He is LOVING Cheerios and when I get the box out he sits straight up in his high chair and wiggles like crazy in anticipation. He loves to play with Brian under the blankets and laughs and laughs! We are all getting terribly sick of winter and I am fantasizing more than usual about summer this year. I think it will be such a fun summer because we will be able to put KG in a bike trailer and bike, and he will love having a kiddie pool, and oooooohhhhhh Summer just sounds soooooooooo goooooooood right now! Being cooped up every weekend with a bored baby is NO FUN!!!!!
Well I lie, a lot of times it is fun hahahaha, because he is a fun boy!





So for this post's flash back I am going back to September when we went to Arboretum to see the fall colors with Donnete, Phil, and Leander. I am so happy because Donette and Phil are getting married this June and I am so soooooo happy for them!
We had a little mishap on this trip because we were taking pictures with Leander and Kenji and Kenji slipped out of Leander's grasp and fell off the wagon! He was only 4 months old and he has already fallen off the wagon, poor boy! But he was ok and barely cried even though poor Leander was a little upset. Overall it was a wonderful day and so worth remembering here.

LOVE this hair and scarf!!!!!!!

Thank God I have a haircut coming up!

Happy :-)

Nothing special to report except that I am happy and life is good. A little exhausting since Kenji is not sleeping through the night anymore, but so very happy. I went to yoga today for the first time in a long time, Kenji is 4 month old today (pictures coming soon) cuter than ever and is laughing and smiling all the time now, I am busy at work, and have a cozy little home, a sweet hubby and a cute kitty. I feel very blessed today.
Also heard good news that another couple in our adoption group made a match! But also bad news that another couple had a let down. It makes me feel so good when I hear someone else had good news. I still feel a little self conscious of our good fortune sometimes when I know that others who I care about are still going through the grind of fertility issues or waiting on adoption. I can only remember how happy and yet deeply sad I was when I would hear of another friend who had a baby when we were still having such a hard time so I think I am hyper sensitive to the issue. I planned a brunch with a couple of my friends that I met during family planning group counseling. One of them has just had a baby through donor egg. The other is still trying to make a decision about how she and her husband want to move forward. So two of us are bring babies to brunch, this is a hard decision because how will our other friend feel? Will it make her sad? How much should you hold back? So now we are at a cross roads with both groups, adoption and fertility, where some couples are starting to have babies and some are still waiting. This is hard because although you want to celebrate the success you don't want to hurt your friends who you know are happy for you but every joy is like a little twinge of pain in their hearts.
Anyway, I am thinking of my friends who are not there yet and praying that they will get their answers soon.
I guess I had better hit the hay, after all ten o'clock is the new midnight!

September updates, well a little late August too

Hi bloggers!
Well a lot of things have happened since my last post. I started back to work, Obaasan and Ojiisan (Grandma and Grandpa, Brian's Mom and Dad) came to visit for a week.



Brian's Mom and Dad loved Kenji! And he loved them! I wish we had grandparents who lived here because I am so not thrilled with daycare right now.
Kenji started day care got a cold and diaper rash a week after starting. I felt like we had chosen a pretty good one, we had a friend who's daughter was there and they liked it. But I am finding that they are not doing the things I am asking them to with Kenji, the different care givers are not communicating with each other so when I tell them to feed him on the left side I come in to pick him up and they are feeding on the right side etc... there are several things like that. I am laying it on the line with thier director on Monday. I mean it is hard enough to talk yourself into feeling ok about leaving your child with someone else every day, the least I want is the peace of mind that they are doing what he needs to be happy and healthy and not merely keeping him alive. I am looking into a daycare downtown that would be close to our work so I could drop in during the day and at lunch, unfortunately they do not have an opening until January. Here is a picture of his first day of daycare.

Today we also enjoyed spending the afternoon at Kenji's birth family's house celebrating his big sister Emiko's 2nd birthday. It was a fun day and it was so adorable how Emi was giving Kenji hugs and kisses all day! I am so glad we are developing a close relationship with Allie and her family. I want Kenji to be close to his sister.



Otherwise Kenji is developing into a sweet mellow little guy. I loved him from the minute we brought him home, but lately I just feel so much love for him it is almost painful. My heart just ooozes love when I look at him!

Adorable hat and booties from EGG

Must get these for the Kawaii Kenji

You don't have to be super young to be cute and cool!

I want to look just like this in 20 or so years!

spirituality check

Ok, I have been having A LOT of thoughts since my post of the baby in the picture. Mostly about my statements on God and faith and feelings of granting or denying of prayers and such. There were a few things that I wrote that prompted me to think more deeply on this subject. Number one the thought that God had heard my prayers. I think I say that because it is an easy way to describe how I feel, but in reality that is kind of a cop out simply because when you get right down to it, I don't belive that God is a guy hanging out somewhere granting favors and doling out happienss or pain.
Naturally as any American Methodist Texas raised good girl my first instinct is to think that way and describe my misfortunes and blessings this way. But last night rocking Kenji I thought I had done myself an injustice. Especially since at one time I was passionate to be a religious studies major in college. Hahahaha! Get that, going from Joseph Campbell to Karl Lagerfeld! Well that is what college is for right!
I continue to think what I meant by those statements and what I really think about God and Kenji and suffering. Wow - the questions all mankind has thought about for eternity right? I came up with a few thoughts in the rocking chair last night.
One - I believe in God for sure. I do not believe he is a dude sitting somewhere deciding things or really even listening to us. So my statement in my previous post was a little misleading. I do believe he is an entity of infathomable omnipotence, I think he is a combination of Karma and Chi. Fate and life force. God is everything that ties it all together, life force and "what is written".
So if I don't belive that he answered my prayers then how do I explain my suffering and my deliverance from suffering? I had a hard time thinking back on my past and how my prayers were answered. I think they were and I tend to fall back on easy ways of explaining things, well... because they are easy.
I have been in the past a student of Bhuddhism. In my 20's I hung out in lots of Hindu and Budhist temples and one thing hung into my brain, karma. Later in life I traveled to India and I learned a lot about the Indian philosophy which differs a great deal from the western due to the concept of Karma - fate. Because Karma is not only "you reap what you sow" (that is the way westerners take it) it's what is written for you by God for this lifetime, your fate. You can change it, but only so much because you are here to learn a lesson.
When I go back to this teaching I tend to see God a lot more clearly. Not as a dude deciding my fate. I see that the suffering I have faced was because there was something I had to learn. Maybe some people need to learn to be profoundly sad before they can be elatedly happy. Maybe I would have never seen Kenji's face as clearly if I had not cried a million tears to clear my eyes.

Goodbye sweet Echo - We love you

Today we had to make the hard decision to have our sweet kitty Echo who has been with us for 16 years put to sleep. Echo, you filled our lives with joy, happiness and love. We will miss you terribly sweet friend.

The baby in the picture

Yesterday I had a very moving and emotional realization with Kenji, one that I want to record here to remind me of how blessed I am to have him, though I am not likely to forget that. Also I think this story may help someone else who has faced times when they question if they will ever have "their" child or question the reason why some of us suffer so much for that child. I had all those feelings and sometime the "wisdom" of others that this was in God's plan seemed absolutely ridiculous to me, I could not see how any of the things I experienced could possibly be part of a plan or have any meaning other than just being horrible.
I have never been big on writing about the "dark times" when Brian and I went through all of our losses. Mainly because there have never been words that could convey my feelings during those times, and the feelings were just too powerful for me to ever write. However I think I have to put it down here otherwise the relevance of my "moment" with Kenji yesterday looses some of the power of it's emotion.
About 5 years ago Brian and I started getting serious about starting a family. We were pretty lucky because the first real try after I got off the pill we got pregnant. Of course we told everyone right away. Unfortunately we found out in my 13th week that our baby had a trisomy 18, a severe genetic disorder. He would have had a huge cystic hygroma on his neck, he probably would have needed feeding tubes because trisomy 18 babies have mouth and throat malformations which make it difficult to feed, he would have been profoundly mentally disabled and maybe would never have smiled or laughed. He probably would not have lived for a year. If I said this was the hardest decision we ever made, it would be a vast understatement. We decided to end the pregnancy. We had to do it at an abortion clinic and Brian held my hand. I felt like my soul was being ripped right out of me, here is the part that words don't work.
About a year later we were pregnant again, with the assurances that these things very rarely if ever repeat themselves. Sure enough we got past the 13th week and our first trimester genetic tests and found our baby boy was healthy and genetically sound and everything was perfect. We sat at a coffee shop afterward and cried because the awful time was over. We were finally going to have our family. We announced the pregnancy to everyone over the next two weeks. At 15 weeks I had contractions, too early for the meds that stop labor to work. I gave birth to our son Carlton Graff who weighed 1 ounce and lived for a few minutes. This time was even harder than the first time for us. So bad that my body rebelled against me and I had to have 2 back surgeries.
2 years later I was pregnant again. During this time I was working in the newborn area of Target. I can tell you that this was very hard for me. Being around baby clothes and baby pictures constantly. It was not an easy time. There was a picture of a baby that someone had printed to hang on a rolling rack to divide the clothes into categories and during my 3rd pregnancy I became obsessed with that picture. It was of a chubby baby boy with dark brown eyes, fat dimpled checks, and curly black hair. He was wearing a little white t-shirt. This baby became my fantasy baby, the baby I knew Brian and I would have someday. Well I don't have to tell you that I miscarried the 3rd baby. This time at 8 weeks. I miscarried at home over the Thanksgiving holidays and went straight back to work afterward. I was haunted by that baby picture, he was there everyday looking at me, and I began to feel like I would certainly never have him. God or fate or whoever did not want me to have him for sure.
6 month later I was pregnant again. This time everything seemed to be going well and we just knew that it was not possible to loose another, all the doctors we saw felt that we still had a great chance of coming through a pregnancy successfully since all our incidents were independent in the causes and not linked to any one problem.
One day at 10 weeks along I told Brian that I didn't feel sick. I knew then that I had lost the baby. He said I was just getting over the sick feeling, but when I went for an ultrasound the next day the baby had died the day before. We found out from genetic testing that it was another boy. This time as soon as I could manage to get out of the house I went to the book store and bought every book I could on adoption. The thought that we would adopt was the only thing that sustained me through that 4th loss.
Needless to say adoption was not as immediate as I had hoped. We spent a year in counseling to manage and deal with our grief, and to find an agency. And I had to make a lot of adjustments during that time. For one I had to start letting go of that baby in the picture. I had to realize that we might adopt a girl, or a blond blue eyed bald baby, or a Hispanic or African American baby. I also struggled with my grief quite a lot during that year. I could not reconcile myself with all of those losses. Everyone would tell me, it is God's way of dealing with a baby that would not have been healthy, yet 3 out of our 4 babies were genetically healthy and there was no reason for their loss so that did not fly with me. This seemed like pointless suffering to me and I felt for a long time that somehow we were being punished. Maybe not by God per-say, but somehow we had done things wrong, started trying to late, maybe we didn't want a baby badly enough to deserve one, maybe we wouldn't be good parents, I think if any of you have been in similar situations of having to make sense of things that just do not make sense you will understand that grasping at ridiculous ideas because you need so badly to have a reason, it so hard to have no reason. We did so much healing during the adoption process.
Then of course we brought home Kenji, which brings me to the whole point of this long tirade (no it was not just to get you to feel sorry for me).
Kenji has been getting plump and smiley lately and he was sitting in my lap grinning and laughing at me and I realized that he is the spitting image of the dream baby from the picture. Ok ya'll knew that was coming right. The thing is that suddenly it all finally made sense to me. Not just in my head but I felt it in my heart. If I had not lost all those babies I would not be holding this dream baby in my arms right now. He is the one I was waiting for. I truly cant believe that we got, not just any baby, but THE baby, the right baby for us. I must say it still seems like we had to pay an awfully high price in heartache, I mean was all of that really totally needed? But now I know that God heard our prayers. I am not a terribly religious person but I will tell you that it enough to make me a little more faithful in the future.
Anyway, I hope that if anyone out there is struggling or wondering when,and why and how, I hope you will take courage from this story, because believe me I have come from the depths of despair (for real) to this place of happiness, so I know it will happen for those of you out there waiting. You are waiting not just for a baby but for the right baby to find you. I hope someday that I can help others with our story because I took so much hope from the stories I heard on our journey through both infertility and adoption.
Thank you God and Allie for this beautiful boy who I love so much. The baby from the picture.