My name is Robin. I live to create - anything I can do with my hands and my head. I'm a messy creator - an imperfect creator who loves beauty and aesthetic with a real edge. This isn't a blog about perfection - its a blog about the beauty in real life - the small triumphs and epic failures - trying to get homework done with a tired 5 year old after a 12 hour day and still getting a smidge of weaving in before the crash. Figuring out what the dream is when you finally realize its not the house and the car. Its about not letting the years get the best of you and cherishing all that you love in life. Mostly its just a place for me to put all the things that I love and that inspire me.
Hi domestic adoption friends! you though I left and I did- but I didn't!
In case anyone is still interested - we had a wonderful time with our birth mom Allie recently and also with Kenji's birth sister and biological grand parents.
We now live in Florida but came up to Minnesota for a birth family visit and had an awesome time!
It has been such a long time since I posted to my little blog. I truly miss it. Mainly because I like looking back over the year and seeing what was going on a few months ago. I want to get back with it but I still worry that my time might be too limited. Today I have felt a little down on myself. I feel like there is just not enough time in the day to be the awesome cool Mom, crafter, blogger, beautifully decorated house, social planner, photographer, picture poster, Valentine's day card sender, in shape, healthy perfect person that I seem to see everyone else being and still work a high pressure job all day, get dressed, get make up on etc... I could go on but you probably get the idea. What got me started off on this path today was a blog that I stumbled upon whose owner is a Mom of 3, all of her posts are of her beautiful crafts and cooking that her perfectly dressed clean kids are helping her with in her clean kitchen and all her pictures look like professional photography. I just looked at that and thought "how the hell". I have one little baby and I can barely make it out the door to work everyday and sometimes don't check my e-mail for a week and have 2 months of Kenji's pictures that have never even been taken off the camera!I haven't even started his baby book! I have even lost track of exactly down to the week how old he is. I mean I have a ballpark idea... Anyway as much as I bitch and moan I am the luckiest woman alive to have Kenji and he is so much fun and such a joy. I know I have to remember to curb this feeling bad about myself thing because I don't ever want him to get that, and I wish I could get rid of it! Anyway the blog did at least inspire me to try to get back with my modest little blog that I love. Over the next few weeks I am going to try to post some of the highlights from the last few months to catch us up. So in recent news: Kenji has learned to crawl and has also learned to stand up in his crib! Last weekend he would not go to sleep and was crying so hard he was hyperventilating. I looked in the monitor and he was standing up in his crib about to throw himself over the edge! I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall and slipped and busted my butt on the floor, so I was crying, Kenji was crying, Brian woke up and was in a panic because everyone was hysterical. After that Kenji would not go to sleep and stayed up playing till 3 in the morning then went to sleep and woke up at 6! So we have been having some sleeping challenges lately. He is LOVING Cheerios and when I get the box out he sits straight up in his high chair and wiggles like crazy in anticipation. He loves to play with Brian under the blankets and laughs and laughs! We are all getting terribly sick of winter and I am fantasizing more than usual about summer this year. I think it will be such a fun summer because we will be able to put KG in a bike trailer and bike, and he will love having a kiddie pool, and oooooohhhhhh Summer just sounds soooooooooo goooooooood right now! Being cooped up every weekend with a bored baby is NO FUN!!!!! Well I lie, a lot of times it is fun hahahaha, because he is a fun boy!
So for this post's flash back I am going back to September when we went to Arboretum to see the fall colors with Donnete, Phil, and Leander. I am so happy because Donette and Phil are getting married this June and I am so soooooo happy for them! We had a little mishap on this trip because we were taking pictures with Leander and Kenji and Kenji slipped out of Leander's grasp and fell off the wagon! He was only 4 months old and he has already fallen off the wagon, poor boy! But he was ok and barely cried even though poor Leander was a little upset. Overall it was a wonderful day and so worth remembering here.
Nothing special to report except that I am happy and life is good. A little exhausting since Kenji is not sleeping through the night anymore, but so very happy. I went to yoga today for the first time in a long time, Kenji is 4 month old today (pictures coming soon) cuter than ever and is laughing and smiling all the time now, I am busy at work, and have a cozy little home, a sweet hubby and a cute kitty. I feel very blessed today. Also heard good news that another couple in our adoption group made a match! But also bad news that another couple had a let down. It makes me feel so good when I hear someone else had good news. I still feel a little self conscious of our good fortune sometimes when I know that others who I care about are still going through the grind of fertility issues or waiting on adoption. I can only remember how happy and yet deeply sad I was when I would hear of another friend who had a baby when we were still having such a hard time so I think I am hyper sensitive to the issue. I planned a brunch with a couple of my friends that I met during family planning group counseling. One of them has just had a baby through donor egg. The other is still trying to make a decision about how she and her husband want to move forward. So two of us are bring babies to brunch, this is a hard decision because how will our other friend feel? Will it make her sad? How much should you hold back? So now we are at a cross roads with both groups, adoption and fertility, where some couples are starting to have babies and some are still waiting. This is hard because although you want to celebrate the success you don't want to hurt your friends who you know are happy for you but every joy is like a little twinge of pain in their hearts. Anyway, I am thinking of my friends who are not there yet and praying that they will get their answers soon. I guess I had better hit the hay, after all ten o'clock is the new midnight!
Hi bloggers! Well a lot of things have happened since my last post. I started back to work, Obaasan and Ojiisan (Grandma and Grandpa, Brian's Mom and Dad) came to visit for a week. Brian's Mom and Dad loved Kenji! And he loved them! I wish we had grandparents who lived here because I am so not thrilled with daycare right now. Kenji started day care got a cold and diaper rash a week after starting. I felt like we had chosen a pretty good one, we had a friend who's daughter was there and they liked it. But I am finding that they are not doing the things I am asking them to with Kenji, the different care givers are not communicating with each other so when I tell them to feed him on the left side I come in to pick him up and they are feeding on the right side etc... there are several things like that. I am laying it on the line with thier director on Monday. I mean it is hard enough to talk yourself into feeling ok about leaving your child with someone else every day, the least I want is the peace of mind that they are doing what he needs to be happy and healthy and not merely keeping him alive. I am looking into a daycare downtown that would be close to our work so I could drop in during the day and at lunch, unfortunately they do not have an opening until January. Here is a picture of his first day of daycare. Today we also enjoyed spending the afternoon at Kenji's birth family's house celebrating his big sister Emiko's 2nd birthday. It was a fun day and it was so adorable how Emi was giving Kenji hugs and kisses all day! I am so glad we are developing a close relationship with Allie and her family. I want Kenji to be close to his sister. Otherwise Kenji is developing into a sweet mellow little guy. I loved him from the minute we brought him home, but lately I just feel so much love for him it is almost painful. My heart just ooozes love when I look at him!
Ok, I have been having A LOT of thoughts since my post of the baby in the picture. Mostly about my statements on God and faith and feelings of granting or denying of prayers and such. There were a few things that I wrote that prompted me to think more deeply on this subject. Number one the thought that God had heard my prayers. I think I say that because it is an easy way to describe how I feel, but in reality that is kind of a cop out simply because when you get right down to it, I don't belive that God is a guy hanging out somewhere granting favors and doling out happienss or pain. Naturally as any American Methodist Texas raised good girl my first instinct is to think that way and describe my misfortunes and blessings this way. But last night rocking Kenji I thought I had done myself an injustice. Especially since at one time I was passionate to be a religious studies major in college. Hahahaha! Get that, going from Joseph Campbell to Karl Lagerfeld! Well that is what college is for right! I continue to think what I meant by those statements and what I really think about God and Kenji and suffering. Wow - the questions all mankind has thought about for eternity right? I came up with a few thoughts in the rocking chair last night. One - I believe in God for sure. I do not believe he is a dude sitting somewhere deciding things or really even listening to us. So my statement in my previous post was a little misleading. I do believe he is an entity of infathomable omnipotence, I think he is a combination of Karma and Chi. Fate and life force. God is everything that ties it all together, life force and "what is written". So if I don't belive that he answered my prayers then how do I explain my suffering and my deliverance from suffering? I had a hard time thinking back on my past and how my prayers were answered. I think they were and I tend to fall back on easy ways of explaining things, well... because they are easy. I have been in the past a student of Bhuddhism. In my 20's I hung out in lots of Hindu and Budhist temples and one thing hung into my brain, karma. Later in life I traveled to India and I learned a lot about the Indian philosophy which differs a great deal from the western due to the concept of Karma - fate. Because Karma is not only "you reap what you sow" (that is the way westerners take it) it's what is written for you by God for this lifetime, your fate. You can change it, but only so much because you are here to learn a lesson. When I go back to this teaching I tend to see God a lot more clearly. Not as a dude deciding my fate. I see that the suffering I have faced was because there was something I had to learn. Maybe some people need to learn to be profoundly sad before they can be elatedly happy. Maybe I would have never seen Kenji's face as clearly if I had not cried a million tears to clear my eyes.
Today we had to make the hard decision to have our sweet kitty Echo who has been with us for 16 years put to sleep. Echo, you filled our lives with joy, happiness and love. We will miss you terribly sweet friend.