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My name is Robin. I live to create - anything I can do with my hands and my head. I'm a messy creator - an imperfect creator who loves beauty and aesthetic with a real edge. This isn't a blog about perfection - its a blog about the beauty in real life - the small triumphs and epic failures - trying to get homework done with a tired 5 year old after a 12 hour day and still getting a smidge of weaving in before the crash. Figuring out what the dream is when you finally realize its not the house and the car. Its about not letting the years get the best of you and cherishing all that you love in life. Mostly its just a place for me to put all the things that I love and that inspire me.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Baby stuff?

Don't know if I should post stuff like this. But I guess my purpose of this blog was to put down my feelings without editing too much and not just post goofy crochet stuff. Anyway, we went to HH with our adoptapeeps (my term for the other waiting families that we are networking with) and everyone is buying baby stuff already and so confident, not that they shouldn't be, but it worries me that I am still so afraid and unwilling to put myself out there. I guess we have been hurt so badly so many times that I am still so afraid. But it makes me feel like I don't deserve it as much because I don't have my hopes up so much. I am not thinking about it every moment, I still have this shield around us. I think subconsciously it is hard for me to let go and realize the with adoption we will eventually have a baby.
I don't know what we will do if we have a failed adoption. I don't think after everything that has happened to us that I could take it. Don't get me wrong, I don't think about that a lot or even really anticipate it but I think that must be the reason that I can't seem to get into this state of buying baby things. I think I need, and must go somewhere and buy something. I need to take that step and buy something or make something for our future baby and sit for a while with it and think about it and then consciously let myself get to this place where I can anticipate this baby that will surely come to us soon. I am so happy for our future baby whoever he or she might be.
Maybe what I will do is make that little suede and fur Minnesota style earflap baby hat and uggs that I have always wanted to make - and keep them. I always give everything away. I am going to make them in confidence that by winter we will have a little bean to wear them.
So there it is, my sentimental tirade, hope you enjoyed!

2 comments:

  1. Oh Robin. . . I do not know you that well, but I do know that you are heart filled and sincere. You will be an amazing adoptive mother. You will work to understand your child's birth family. You will love them too--unconditionally. I just know it. It is difficult not to worry. . . but I know, from experience, that it just gets in the way to worry about things we just have no control over. (Easier said than done!) Dream big--you will have a baby in your arms when the time is right. If things "fail", then you turn to your friends, family and all of your adoption peeps for support. We will be there to carry you through. Adoptive parents don't always get to experience traditional aspects of having a child (9 months of preparation, showers, hospital stay, Dr. appts., delivery) and then on top of all the "normal" changes and stresses a family goes through with the first child you are trying to figure out the whole open adoption thing with your birth family. Cherish every moment so you don't have to miss out on anything else. I never ever thought we would have 1 child and now look, we have 3. I never thought we would be chosen so quickly. I don't know what is going to happen. . . but I'm going to cherish every moment believing that God brings people into our lives for a reason--whether it is for a short time, long time, or forever. Dream big. . . I did--and look what happened!

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