Don't know if I should post stuff like this. But I guess my purpose of this blog was to put down my feelings without editing too much and not just post goofy crochet stuff. Anyway, we went to HH with our adoptapeeps (my term for the other waiting families that we are networking with) and everyone is buying baby stuff already and so confident, not that they shouldn't be, but it worries me that I am still so afraid and unwilling to put myself out there. I guess we have been hurt so badly so many times that I am still so afraid. But it makes me feel like I don't deserve it as much because I don't have my hopes up so much. I am not thinking about it every moment, I still have this shield around us. I think subconsciously it is hard for me to let go and realize the with adoption we will eventually have a baby.
I don't know what we will do if we have a failed adoption. I don't think after everything that has happened to us that I could take it. Don't get me wrong, I don't think about that a lot or even really anticipate it but I think that must be the reason that I can't seem to get into this state of buying baby things. I think I need, and must go somewhere and buy something. I need to take that step and buy something or make something for our future baby and sit for a while with it and think about it and then consciously let myself get to this place where I can anticipate this baby that will surely come to us soon. I am so happy for our future baby whoever he or she might be.
Maybe what I will do is make that little suede and fur Minnesota style earflap baby hat and uggs that I have always wanted to make - and keep them. I always give everything away. I am going to make them in confidence that by winter we will have a little bean to wear them.
So there it is, my sentimental tirade, hope you enjoyed!
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